I'm sorry for my last post:(

My last post which I posted yesterday was really a very big no no, I was not in mood that time and until now I am currently facing very big problems regarding schooling, financial, pressure stuffs, and everything. I really don't feel like writing on this blog for I know that some maybe reading my posts in everyday. I wanna tell my problems to someone who can really relate and maybe suggest good ideas for me so It'll be more comfortable and better than continuing in this way.

I arrived yesterday in our house with full discouragement and I really feel that tiredness I haven't felt before. I feel like being useless and helpless, I feel deep patheticness and aloneness, no friends can really help me out in every way. Ideas which keep on whirling on my mind was there pushing my tears down, ironic why I would do such when I don't feel any sadness in my heart. Different ideas were around and I don't even know which of those are the main topic. I wanna shout, cry, yell, and go to a place where I can be alone in a beach full of sand where I can rest the whole day. Our house has never been a complete refuge for me, my problems outside may not go beyond home doors but family problems can start to penetrate. Osmosis? was that the right term? there's problems anywhere and everytime I go to a place different levels have grown up like fungi suggesting the place to be livable or not, but of course our house has the least penetration.

I was very silent last night, and I seldom talk seriously. My siblings may even communicate with me in the same manner and I also reply on that manner, in a happy tone without the sign of deep sadness. I give unobvious jokes that might make them laugh in their minds and I always show a smiling face in front of them. I always do that, and I'm inspired in making that one after seeing some happy-go-lucky people in movies. But, I guess movies don't make up what the real world is. They tend to inspire people but the artists who act on it don't even understand what real happiness is after acting those characters. I try to follow people who always wear a smile in their face, and I follow what my brother said to talk politely and slowly, not showing a sign of discouragement and loneliness. I can do that, but the problem is, what my mind says will always be that and I can no longer fake it.

Why do I experience these stuffs? while others keep on enjoying what they've got. I see them on the street and even me myself can assess them. They're good persons, they have a lot of friends to shoulder on, they are good at something and they are happy. Why do they keep on smiling at their life's successes? Why can't I? Why can't I be like them?

Why do these tears to fall? What for?
god damn it! give me the reason! x(

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