Today is Payday! Arggghhh!

I woke up 9 in the morning today. My mom woke me up because she wants me to do something which can really make me uncomfortable, but I guess I have no choice and I need to do it. HAHA. If you're curious of what I am about to do cause now I'm still sitting infront of our computer typing enormously as fast as I can so that I'll finish earlier in time, I'm doing my brother's laundry, He's my younger brother and I guess it can't be helped so I'm doing it. huhuhu... but it's okay, It's experience for me.

I had breakfast at around 9:30 in the morning, the food was normal, rice with egg and dried fish. At first it's okay with me and I really want to eat some dried fish especially if it's early in the morning, but ofcourse I only eat some varieties the rest can be arranged:) What made me feel bad in eating is that seeing my father using his bare hands to eat his food and maybe it's the main reason why I don't want to join them in the dining table. Well, our dining table is a bit small and it can't accomodate us all but when there's space I sit on it and it's always a pain in my ass and it's so ridiculous, really! Sometimes he even uses his bare hands in handling foods and not using the serving spoon, he even puts his hands on our plates. I wanna shout YUCKS! wtf it's so ridiculous and even how hungry I am or how delicious the food is, I suddenly lose appetite.

Back to yesterday, My Mom and my Granda together with my Aunt arrived yesterday. They arrived at about 11 in the morning and at that time, I was particularly awakened by my siblings doing rush hour in cleaning the house. Maybe they knew and surely they observed that my mother will really have a headache after seeing the house dirty. If that happens a drama will surely be a big hit, hitting not only theaters here in the Philippines but also International. But, what happened is really opposite from what we expected. My mom was not hot headed and although she complained from a headache, literally a headache, she's softly spoken and did not ask anything. Although that should be normal, I did'nt expect it and it really freaked me out if something has happen which we don't know.

With my Mom is my Grandma and my Aunt. My Aunt is still the same, still influential especially to my mother and sometimes I find her uncomfortable after seeing my Mom doing everything she says as if she controls my Mom. I said in my mind that my Mom is not a robot and she has her own ideas and mind, but I'm only a son and I have nothing to do with it, If I'll complain my mother will surely kill me. My Grandma is really not okay and as an old person I find her really weird, her tone of speaking is really really bad, she gives tactless comments and bad ideas as if she's talking in her own house. I really don't like her and I'm uncomfortable after seeing her in our own house. My Mom really should've loved her so much that she and her siblings-my Aunts and can take her bad talking. But to me, don't she ever say those weird and uneducated words in front of me, I feel like shooting my big punch in her small face. I'll keep on track of course, haiiszzt!

But, they brought something nice from their trip in Davao and it's food! Here's my favorite Brownies they brought home....

Enclosed in this box....

It's really delicious but too bad we don't have enough to fill all our stomachs!

Today is Payday is the title of my post today cause this night we'll be going to a debut party! it sounds exciting but I really don't like going to a debut party especially if it's for my relatives on father's side. I feel that I don't belong and I had bad memories with my cousins in father's side when I was young. They still don't know me and they always reject me, I don't care and I'll reject them too if they do that now. They always do that when I was still young, now I think they're too shy to do such act. Do it and I'll surely kill them.

The party is scheduled at 6 in the evening and I still have enough time to be prepared but I'm really very nervous cause I'm facing my relatives to whom my father has always bragged me to them. My father has always said good things about me and made my relatives expect too much from me, as what the saying is "counting the chicks even if the eggs hasn't hatched yet" really hits my situation right now. I'm really really nervous right now and I don't know If they already knew my failures and I'm not proud by saying it in front of them. Argghhh!

For that, I'll yell and cheer-GOOD LUCK JULIUS!

2 hours before sunrise

2 hours before the sun will rise again, It's approximately 4:10 in the morning here in the Philippines and I'm still awake. Although I originally planned to go to sleep earlier and to wake up earlier too due to some tasks I really need to do before mom will arrive here in our house, I'm still awake and I blame it to the noodles I ate a few hours ago. We had a fish dish supposedly for our dinner 9 hours ago, but since I really don't like it and I don't appreciate it's odd smell and taste of saltless form of cooking, I did not ate it and me and my sister decided to buy some noodles outside. Haha, that was the noodle's fault and I really blame it to him. But, since I was the one who brought the noodles, I think it's my fault. So twisted! However, it won't really matter... Haizzsst, what matters most is that mom will arrive tomorrow/later and I need to do some action before mom will see this disastrous house, It will surely be the best drama in the whole world if it'll happen. OH NO!

I was about to sleep but then, speaking with some things associated with my mother, I decided to finish the online registration of the University of the Philippines or else not finishing it in time and if my mother would discover that I did not do some follow-ups in time... It will really be a serious talk, more serious than the sex scandal of an actress and a doctor here in the Philippines. WTF!
Good thing that I'm already done with my registration and I can now fully proceed with my sleep, so happy sleeping! GOOD NIGHT everyone!

Newly Edited

At last, I'm already finished with some changes on my page. I was supposedly gonna post something yesterday but because I was to busy editing my blog, it turned out to be a waste since I already forgot what I was thinking at that moment I was about to post on this blog yesterday. Well, you won't be interested in it... and you know it's just some weird emotions I felt yesterday and maybe some questions too. Summer's too boring and I'm like sitting in front of the comp the whole day taking breaks only during lunchtime and supper. Funny but that's how my summer life is, I'm actually thinking of making something productive and it turned out to be this blog. If only someone out there reading my every post. Hmmmpfff... but it's okay the lesser the viewers, the more private it is[look at the bright side:)]

Obviously, I added some add-ons on the right side of POV. It doesn't look that good and I knew it right after I previewed my page after doing some html stuffs on the layout page. I wanna change it actually but I think I've already alloted so many time just to edit something which I'm not even sure if someone has acknowleged it. But because it's summer now and I think during school days I can no longer have such a huge amount of free time, totally free actually, I decided to change it now as summer is still there.

The best feature of my new add-ons is the quick profile on the upper right corner of my blog, the one with my face and a marquee thingy just below the banner. I actually put that one on place since I don't want to share my profile to someone who might be reading my posts. Despite of it's totally showy view about myself, at least I can still hide a bit by not showing my personal profile on blogger. The rest of my new add-ons is nothing and really I have no comment with it. It's just a mere object put in place just to occupy something that fills the eyes of the viewers, it is really so blank to look at without those and as far as I can I already added a lot. I'm still thinking of more stuffs to add there.

Have you questioned why I suddenly changed my gold layout and show off some html stuffs on my profile? well I have simple answer for that! I was searching for some blogger ideas on some Singaporean blogs yesterday. At first I really thought that editing something on blogspot is difficult and it needs IT knowledge to do such stuffs. You can't actually blame me on this, haha, I never had a blog ever since, so no comment please. The blogs I was referring to as my fake inspiration of making my blog into a more personalized one are so filled with such stuffs as personal links, timers, cboxes, ahref thingy. So as a jealous person I followed what they actually put in their blogs, I've read their codes but of course I did not rip anything and even if I can I won't do it. I'd rather settle on my worst work than copy the other's and I'm right right? haha.

Well, my editing is actually done and I thank them for that. At least my blog got better and I hope better readers too for I only receive comments from anonymous persons to whom I also visited their respective blogs also. So bad, but It'll get good soon, I'm a new blogger anyways.
In the other side of my story, our house received a call a few hours ago. The call was finding for Reyjoven and of course as what I always expect it to be, they're asking for payments of our bills in our internet. I hope we won't loose this connection, not now cause I still wanna post a lot in this blog and I know that it would be impossible without the house's internet. huhuhuT_T

my situation really sucks now and classes is almost coming again! haizzsttt.. I'll try to treasure summer days now. Sleep as far as I can! AJA!

Different worlds

Yesterday, I chatted with someone of facebook. She's a mom at about in the age of 50's and gave me a lot of inspiration in life. She lives in Johannesburg, South Africa and I already noticed her about her ancestry when I saw her name. She has a partly South Africanish family name which looks weird based on what normal family names are. Basically South Africa is made up of so many nations united to form a democratic and modern nation with striking contrasts in it's people's standard of living and cultures. It ended it's very racist Apartheid system about 20 years ago and began forming a new nation of equality and serenity.

My entire chat with Mrs. Sandy[i forgot the family name:)] is good and filled with so many words that encourages me to go well in life and discover things which are left folded deep within my bright future. Well, it is up to me to unfold and see what lies beyond, she encourages me not to stop learning and try new things. As I was talking to her, I feel like I'm talking to my mom. However, maybe she's quite different from my mom. My mom is busy and maybe I could'nt talk to my mom that way.

Mrs. Sandy introduced me to South Africa and although she didn't know from what place really I am for I was disguising myself as a youth from Singapore, I know that she understands every detail in all my questions. I love disguising myself but I'm not a stalker or a poser of someone influential and I'm not bullying someone right now. I regard myself as a reflection of my ancestry and nationality and is willing to accept changes. I'm fond of changes and what my society has brought me in may change for I am growing up and finding the reality of life, I always see something bad and I think it really needs changes. Being someone far from who I am is killing my own identity and integrity, but maybe just maybe it encourages me to be the person I am wishing for. Sooner and sooner it would really be the real me.

Mrs. Sandy said that one should be proud of their society in which every individual belongs to. As for her, she's one of the few whites residing in South Africa, a country dominated by blacks and other cultures. But, I think for me to be able to say to her the real me would be a lot further than one could expect. I'm still building myself, and one thing is sure... maybe for real I would never forget the words given to me by Mrs. Sandy:)

I chat a lot! especially in Facebook! I enjoy it and If you don't have account yet. It's okay, just make a new one as a new user. It's really fun! promise:)

Waiting for something to do.

Today, I was awakened by my elder sister's voice asking on how to redecorate her blog into a something more appealing to look at. I was so upset and I hate it every time I am awakened by someone just to ask or something like that, cause once I'm awake I can no longer go back to deep sleep and enjoy my moment together with my bed. She was asking on how to make a template on her profile and she wants it to be a personalized one. Even me myself don't know how to make blog templates into something more colorful than copied templates from the internet. So, in this case I can only give her mere suggestions, and I don't know if it really works. haha.XD

The night before, I saw different blogs of unknown people from friendster and also my brother's eyerise.blogspot.com and you know what's my reaction? I'm totally jealous, I'm jealous on the way their layout is put unto and yes I'm jealous on almost everything. But, in terms of writing things about their blog that's a different story..haha.XD Ofcourse as a jealous person and normally I think one should do when he/she is jealous about something, I was also searching ways and process on how they do it. I also regard myself as good in it, not to brag but I'm really good in ripping things off, funny!

However, later I realized something sooner than I expected. I realized that everyone is different, a person's attitude is unique in every way and it can be reflected by their blogs. So, maybe I should stick with my own layout and continue my current writings on this blog. As I was writing every entry in this blog, I'm always thinking that to whom am I writing for? and for what? nobody reads this posts after all. But, as always... I am assuming that someone out there is reading my daily posts and maybe he/she can relate to my every post. Hmnn.. I think a person on my age who also lives in my country or an Asian or something, or it will be better if everyone. HAHA! x)

I'll be Ok by Mcfly

I'll be sharing to you my favorite song of Mcfly and probably the main reason why I love them, their songs are awesome and even though most of it are love songs which I could not relate most of the time, their songs are excellently played!

Mcfly is not so famous here in my country, they originated probably from United Kingdom and did some records in USA and Australia. I really don't have the exact info about their current works but I stay as updated as I can with their newly released hits. I have a few friends who also enjoys listening to their songs and at least I can still keep in touch despite of my busy life. hahaXD

At the first time that I've heard of this song as this was sended to me by my classmate before in Ym[yahoo messenger], I was first amazed by it's lyrics. The meaning of every word in this song is so essential for me and it gives me strengh to go and face challenges of everyday life even without friends to help me out.

I'll be Ok
Mcfly

When everything is going wrong
And things are just a little strange
its been so long now
You've forgotten how to smile.
Now overhead the skies are clear
But it still seems to rain on you,
And your only friends all have
Better things to do.

When you're down and lost
And you need a helping hand
When you're down and lost
Along the way,
Oh, just tell yourself
Ah, I'll be OK

Now things are only getting worse
And you need someone to take the blame
When your lover's gone
There's no-one to share the pain,
You're sleeping with the TV on
And you're lying in an empty bed
All the alcohol in the world
Would never help me to forget

When you're down and lost
And you need a helping hand
When you're down and lost
Along the way,
Try a little harder
Try your best to make it
Through the day,
Oh just tell yourself
Ah, I'll be OK

You're not alone (you're not alone)
You're not alone (you're not alone)
You're not alone

Just tell yourself
Ahhhh, I'll be OK
just tell yourself
Ahhhh, I'll be OK
Won't you tell yourself
Ahhhhhhhhh

When you're down and lost
And you need a helping hand
When you're down and lost
Along the way,
Try a little harder
Try your best to make it
Through the day

just tell yourself
Ahhhh, I'll be OK
Ahhhh, I'll be OK
Ahhhh, I'll be ok

Everytime I have problems whirling on my mind and I feel alone, I just listen to this song and at that moment I feel that someone is with me helping me go by the day and encouraging me. I can do it!

Strange, that's all I know

I was just wondering if ever I had a laptop or a portable something where I can easily post something on my blog when my feelings is telling me to do so. Everyday, even though it's already late summer now, I am experiencing different challenges and fake trials in my life. At that single moment, not a minute to lose, I can write thousands of words regarding my feelings and emotions where my doubts are still fresh waiting to be released on this blog as no one can listen to me in reality. But, because I don't have that to 'Gadgetriffic' reality^^ most of my feelings got lost and flown away by fair winds as moments pass before I can post again on this blog. It's okay and I won't promise that I can write always on this blog, sooner I'll be busier and who knows? our Internet connection will be gone soon.

Two days ago before we were leaving the house cause me and my sister were forced to go to Barili just to be with my dad and join their happy journey back home, we were joking with my elder brother, my elder sister, and lastly me in the cr regarding with my sister's education course. It started funny and boisterous around the house, we usually do that when we have spare time and usually joke harsh things together. However, whatever we say within that joke period is usually thrown away and not absorbed for we had an agreement that a joke is always a joke. But, when my sister said a phrase... that phrase that suddenly changed my facial expression, everything was lost on its track. It's like I was swimming in a wild tropical beach, then suddenly I was brought back in the city, I was so shocked! I don't know what to do or what my reaction is.

The phrase that my sister said "Education is a lot more better than Management or Computer Science just for the name that you graduated on something" has shot me in the head more than three times. The moment that she mentioned it and as my adrenaline rush rescued me from sudden loss of mind, I suddenly said 'yuck' and assumed to joke on something I treat very seriously and without doubt. But my sister's word is clear and I know that even though it's only a joke at the start, I know that my sister would'nt lie on a serious matter like that.

I asked my sister..."Who said so?" and her answer was the one I really expect the most, and yes! It's from my mother. I know I had the reson to say that this is my life and nothing and no one can change my own story or history, It seems that I had recalled something on that moment too. It's that from now on I don't have a choice but to accept what my reality is feeding me. I won't fake it, me myself know what's real. But I won't accept her term that just to graduate on something I would ask my parents to pay bills to a certain school just to get a stupid title. I wan't a title that I really work hard on and I always wish for, and lastly I won't stick with what they usually tell me[those words]. I wan't to discover on my own and fly by my own. I know that oneday my promise to my parents would be granted without them noticing it:)

Months ago, yes! before I was shot again and again... I promised to my younger brother that once they've reached our stage now, they would no longer experience the harsh reality of life that me and my older brother and sister experienced just now. I said that I will let him study in every school that he wishes for, even a doctor or a professional title, I'll promise that he'll have the chance to easily grab it.

But now, just now, I think I need to embrace my reality, and yes... don't you fake it!

It shouldn't be taken for granted!

I was just searching all out in the web without even knowing that I already entered a site saying a dangerous news! Well, apparently 9 in the morning my mom left the house with my sister saying that I need to clean it now for my aunt and grandma are going to sleep here this evening to prepare for their flight early in the morning tomorrow. They are going to Davao I think, if I'm not mistaken ofcourse. Back to my shocking news to you, a news a bit expected and I was actually expecting and waiting for it to be formally announced nationwide. The headline almost knocked me out of where I was sitting right now, In front of the computer in our living room.

The whole news is a bit boring to read on, but the sense it got made my pulse go higher than normal. The headline that says AH1N1 has officially entered here in the Philippines. Well, for me, I actually read a lot of news and research about certain things and I don't think that in this case it should be treated as a joke. Influenza AH1N1 is a seasonal and weird type of flu that somewhat evolved and mutated itself into a more devastating form of kind. Almost 10 thousand people worldwide has been currently affected by this flu and in just a span of a few weeks or days, it spreaded almost unto the entire globe and at least 80% of global cities worldwide are fighting the spread of the flu.

I've read a post of a flu survivor in Mexico a few weeks ago, and at that time the flu was a bit more deadly as scientists and researchers are still figuring out what exactly is the flu all about. At that time no remedies or even Isolation methods of dealing with flu affected patients has been made for most of them only think that the flu is only a normal sickness occuring to men. However, as death polls rised in Mexico, officials has been alarmed and seeking worldwide attention.

I'm afraid that this time would actually come, and yes, it's already happening! The flu that would enter here in the Philippines will make the media go crazy. Most of the countries harboring the influenza are rich and powerful countries of North America, Europe, and Japan and South Korea of Asia, they seek the best medicine and research for this kind of illness. However, although Asia has proven itself to be strong when it was challenged by SARS outbreak a few years ago, it still has the capacity of nationwide to regionwide spreading.

I'm afraid that time would come new strains of this kind of illness would develop, I'm afraid that the Philippines can no longer take the illness and start nationwide spreading, I'm afraid that a poor country like mine will have world attention in harboring the disease. v.v

One Cloudy Morning

It was a long time, and it took so long before I re post in this blog mainly because of the reason that our second computer in this house got exhausted. Uhmnn.. maybe because of overuse and you know machines aren't that perfect. I do pray that this computer will not follow the same faith as our second computer in our bedroom. Well, I don't usually write in this blog exposed to other people and even relatives will make me concious about what I should do when I see them in my back trying so hard to read what I am writing in here. I just post real events and true feelings in this blog, no add ons and no deletions. However, It'll make me a lot more frustrated if they do know my inner feelings about certain private things. So, I'd better do best in hidding myself when I am posting something new in here.

Today is May 21, 2009 and it is 7:30 in the morning, partly cloudy to sunny morning and it is very quiet, no birds, no vehicles, and I can only hear the sound of the fan directing it's rough hot winds to my mother's bedroom. It'll be a fine day and I can predict it if only I will not be coming to the University of the Philippines later. I'm submitting some of my requirements and I'm pretty sure that it needs more time that I expect it to be. Well, In a school that you were about to be given names such as brilliant and excellent you need to do your best first and shall I say this is the start of my neverending challenge in UP as it is already confirmed that I'm studying there.

Before finally deciding to study in UP, I've heard a lot of comments and suggestions from a lot of people. I don't want to hear those and for me it's just making me feel a lot more stupid and hopeless when it comes to college education. It makes me feel that I'm totally useless and left behind in this society that only wants to go out of the Philippines. The course that I'll be taking in UP is different, different because it is the only course that will not carry my luggage outside the country and work for foreigners. Very DIFFERENT becuase most of my batchmates our now taking a bunch of medical and marine courses and you know their main goal already right?

Although I don't seem to have a way on something more dollarific... I'm certain of my future, and that is to be more workaholic to earn something that I really dreamt of.

OFW's POV

Good morning! I really don't know if this time is still considered as morning but I woke up just an hour ago, 3 hours late than what time I usually wake up in the morning. I usually try my best to wake up as early as I can and feel the sunlight of early morning before time runs out. I won't die, well I think and Today's month would be the last month of this year that I can feel boredom I think. The rest of the months would be a normal student's life. Study, Eat, and lastly with the least importance is sleep. Well, this morning is a bit different that what my usual rituals do, I woke up already nine in the morning as what I've seen in my watch and you know why is this so?

Last night I've slept very late, three in the morning I guess... I've watched the movie of a local artist here in the Philippines and It's entitled as 'Caregiver'. Oh, well the title was a bit touching and one can clearly see as a good one and a well caring person. But, what you've always thought of is wrong. Here in the Philippines 'Caregiver' usually denotes a person who go to other nations particularly in the United States of America or United Kingdom maybe not only to care for people but also to receive dollars or pounds. Eventhough their wage is a bit lower in Foreigner's cost of living, It is very big if converted to pesos.

Embracing the Change

I was sitting in a chair, alone here in our house. The house I described before poorly maintained and stain washed by memories some are cruel and some are good. As usual, I'm surfing the net as a hobby I usually do when I'm alone. I'm checking how's my classmates life are going and although I usually show to them that I really don't care about their life, I'm curious where are they going to study in college or are they continuing or not. I'm happy for them although a bit of me is jealous but I'm starting to get used to it and yes! I'm slowly embracing the change.

As I was going over some profiles in friendster, I opened the account of my former classmate in high school. He was a bit inclined to computers and I even discriminate him for wishing unto those courses and I find it stupid. However, as I read a statement saying that 'pasar ko bai' my world started to change again. Jealousy and envy is starting to accumulate again in my mind like storm clouds starting to engulf New Orleans when Katrina strike the city a few years ago. A few minutes later, I'm starting to see a bit of light and chance on me. I'm starting to get back in reality.

My false reality is very cruel, well I'm not comparing my self to impaired patients in hospitals but in the fights I've fought of against destiny, I've lost a lot and gained nothing but lessons on how cruel life can be. My pride is always on the go, but as I was experiencing these challenges I'm starting to completely lose it and I'm afraid that that time would come.

Yes, life can be cruel sometimes... but, you need to go on and embrace the change, we need to do it... we need to love the change.

Unkept Emotions

Opps, no picture again^^ haha... However, it keeps me wondering if I'm still putting my picture in this blog. I don't have a face to show to you all. Well, at least at this time I'm in total dissatisfaction on myself and I need someone to help me out. Maybe pulling my self esteem up or something would really help. You can do that for me but in this case I think I'm already used to it and I need to get used to it. One month from now I'm already entering college life, I'm not expecting anything in it and guess you should know, I haven't received any call and I'm sorry, that's the only thing I can say to my parents for I failed them. I wonder what could be worse and I'm sure that there is!

Yesterday, my mom arrived with my younger brother and sister, they were bringing with them their new uniforms and school supplies. I'm a bit jealous for I know that I won't have any new for this time. I need to adjust for from now on I'm going to be a burden in this family, I envy those who don't have any financial problems where they can go in any school that they want without thinking about how would their life go on. Well, if I would meet a person like that and probably I've met a lot of persons like that already I just can't tell if they really are, I would probably... I will say nothing! but deep in my mind I wanna say them 'do the best of their best'.

I feel that I've wasted a lot of time and money, It can't be brought back and from now on I need to face the future and do my best starting today. My classmates are already having their courses and some even went to scholarships offered by many institutions who don't want to pay large taxes to the government, In this case I am left behind. I feel like seeing myself at this time inside a tunnel and at very large distant I saw my classmates with their very small shadows covering the small light from the edge of the tunnel, the edge and the end of the tunnel. My dimmed future is very different and I need a lightning to energize me and go on through this challenge. However, even if I didn't ask for this lightning... It keeps hitting me more than 3 times a day. Showing me the cruel reality of life. Before, I'm a kind of person who really doesn't like to be left behind. But now all of these attitudes were lost and I'm seeing my self as 90% different from before. I'm afraid that I would lost my pride at some time.

Last night I've dreamed of something stupid but it keeps rushing into my mind over and over again[untill this time]. I really hate it! Well, my dream is I was on a ship and yes I'm the captain of my own ship! Although it's already impossible and nothing can change my stupid history of taking college scholarships, the truth is I'm still dreaming of it, my dream of touring around the world and going through Europe and America is about to happen then a sudden call changed it, I lost it!

Just one afternoon

A few hours ago and as I always expect it to be, I dropped something which was a magnet decoration commonly seen in most refrigerators. That magnet decoration is a box shaped object without sides similar to test tube holders in chemistry labs, it was small enough to contain 6 similar small bottle like plastics which a conscious mind would assume it as wine bottles. Nothing special and I really hope I can show you a picture of it, but I was not able to do so because I can't make a connection with our computer and my mobile phone I use to capture images from anywhere. Yes, I dropped it and there's no big deal, It's just a toy and surely mom would not mind if something was lost out of a few decorations attracted to fridge's metal covering due to magnets attached on each of the objects.

As that object dropped, I was really surprised mixed with emotions of being a person which really doesn't care of anything unimportant. So what if it dropped, unless if it is a bomb that can be triggered right? but it is not. As it dropped I ask my [ate]older sister to pick up the scattered fake wine bottles in the floor. She would not pick it and even a 1 day old visitor or house guest can even tell that, my sister is not that kind of person who do good deeds especially when it is being asked by another person to do it. As I was picking it up, I hate it! I lost one bottle and I was really upset. Although I was already expecting such fate, I'm not really enjoying my bad luck which started when I was demoted in rankings in school. Ever since last last month, I always fail in almost everything and my parents lost me. I wonder if when can I regain their trust in me, and because of that I see myself as a failure. Of course not deeply inside my feelings, I regard myself as something excellent and I don't expect to be treated as such. Just for now... I'm not myself.

Last morning, my mom asked me the same question again. Asking if my classmates were already done with their medical examination. I was actually a 'waitlisted' on that scholarship program and for me only miracle can take me in based on my feelings right now. Although miracles can occur at any time, I'm not expecting anything from it. I'm already done with that stage and I'm not expecting anything at all right now.

The truth is, I already know that my classmates have done their medical examinations and I know that I'm not coming inside that program. I already know my wrong fate and I can't tell my mom exactly the truth about it. I'm afraid to see a bad face in front of my mom, and I didn't even greet happy mother's day to her. Although, I didn't say it directly to her that I don't stand a chance on that scholarship program, I know that at least she could get what my lie means. I know that mom always know when we are lying or not and maybe she just believes us sometimes because she's trying to trust us on everything.

As for now, I'm nothing.. but one thing has got into my mind after listening to the song 'I'll be ok' by dougie poynter of mcfly and it is 'It's better to start from nothing than realizing one day that you've lost everything' hmmpphhh...:[

Movie Review

Like I've promised yesterday, on my last post, I finally finished the whole movie at exactly 10:00 in the evening[May 10, 2009]. Just before mom and my younger siblings arrived from their summer getaway for one week at Barili, Cebu. The movie/series entitled 'One liter of tears' really has the right to be called that way. Upon seeing it directly in my own judgment, I can clearly see what Aya's[girl protagonist] main reason of not giving up.

Let me start by narrating the summary of the story itself, this is a true story written by 15 year old girl herself. The movie series which was first aired at around 2005 in Japan got the attention of everybody which is basing on a bestselling book widely sold in Japan. The story started unexpectedly as Aya started to feel something weird about herself, although trying to ignore it at the first time, people surrounding her especially her loved ones gradually observed strange uncontrolable movements made by Aya. She started falling down often and walks in a strange way. Her mother Shioka, takes Aya to see the doctor, and he informs Shioka that Aya has spinocerebellar degeneration - a terrible disease where the cerebellum of the brain gradually deteriorates to the point where the victim cannot walk, speak, write, or eat. The script is based on the diary Aya kept writing until she could no longer hold a pen.

After finishing the whole series which is composed of 11 episodes, I was deeply touched by how Aya struggled and by her optimism despite of her situation. Although, at the start the symptoms were not that observable by normal people, students at her age as described on her diary began throwing bad looks unto Aya. As for me Aya is such a strong person, If had that disease I can't take the same old looks and discrimination by the society. As I was watching the movie, I was putting my self into Aya's situation. However, scenes will be really different in the society that I was running now. Although it will be a lot harder and uncomfortable, peoplewise it will be easier for me to be accepted by the society.

I'm a kind of person who don't really want to be treated as special and I know that Aya herself don't want to be treated as special among her siblings and especially on the society that she was in to. If I'm at Aya's situation I think I would rather die earlier than to be pitied by people who were normal. Yet, Aya did not loose the confidence and optimism to continue living.

After watching the whole series and reading some comments and feedbacks of the movie, my views somewhat changed a bit. Before I was watching the movie, I have a very big thumbs UP with how the Japanese people go in their society. Although most of them are busy, they find time to do what they love and want and most of all they find time to go back unto where their tradition really started. I assume Japan as a perfect society and sometimes termed it as Utopia of Asia, with all those improvements in technology, infrastructure, economy, reforms, and many more, no wonder it has boasted as one of the countries with the highest life expectancy and contentment.

'I want to live and experience working in Japan when I get older' this is what I always thought a few years ago and until yesterday. But now, I think I should question my self. What if I get sick and disabled in a society like that? will I be accepted in a society that runs so fast? This is the question and the main deep message shown by the movie. Well, at least 99% percent of it is absorbed and now I can conclude that in this world nothing is perfect. We humans can only observe wrongs in this society and change it by starting within ourselves.

Aya's mother with connection to Mother's Day which is now and is normally celebrated at this day is one of the best mothers in the world. Well, at least second to my mom, ^^ as I was watching the movie I can clearly see the image of my mom in her. She works hard for the family and sometimes spent more time and effort on other people and matter than her own family. When I see her cry, who won't cry in an incurable disease right?, I can see the image of my mother crying and I don't know why but it made me cry too.

This movie has a very big impact on viewers like me. Although, I can't relate to those diseases experienced by Aya, I have a mixture of feelings upon what will I think and cry for. The movie has somewhat like a magic or what contained to it that can make viewers cry. The loneliest part of the movie started on episode 8: One Liter of Tears, maybe because struggles of Aya started on this episode and more tears fell than ever. Although the rest of the episodes were also sad, I'm controlling myself not to cry and yes, I'm successful in the first 7 episodes. However, at episode 8, tears began to shed from my eyes and me myself don't know the reason why. This is the first movie I watched that actually made me cry, I was so upset on what is happening to the main char-Aya and at sometime I can even feel her pain directly in me.

I normally don't cry, and yeah, I'LL NEVER CRY! but this promise to myself has been recently broken just because of this movie. I always promise myself not to cry in any movie I'm watching. I regard them as bare stories fictional or not with artists portraying their own roles and parts on the movie. But this perception changed after watching 'One liter of tears' and envy Aya's family for having such a strong spirit and aura of happiness in their homes. How I wish one day I'll came home from school with that instant aura in my family.

opps, I've writed soo long. Well, to summarize it all in all.... This movie is really the best! A Thousand Thumbs UP!!!
So then, I need to sleep now, my back is aching! I need rest for now.. kk.. till my next post.
and wish me luck! I need more power^^

Tomorrow is MOTHER'S day!!!

Yeah, tomorrow is really the best day of the month of May. Mother's day, it is usually the day where all mothers around the world and their family have a good time together and somewhat go outside and show their love and care for each other not only to the mother but also to the whole family. Well, for me it is my mother's worst day of her life, supposed to be it is her free day.. free of problems and free of everything blocking her thoughts and view in life. But, sadly it won't happen because our entire family of 7 relies heavily on her own strength.

My mother is the best and most hardworking mother god has made. && god gave her to us for a reason that we are worthy to have a mother like her. She thinks that everything should be perfect and balanced, she had big dreams about how easy life should go. She went home late just to finish work and earn some money. In human standards, her brain is already battered and needs a big rest, however she hardly had enough sleep everyday.

I am a very big idol of my mother. At one time she said that we should do well in our studies so that we won't be like her in which at the age of 50 still working hard to earn for living. She needs to work hard just to pay the bills of our house which range in thousands and if not and hopefully not in millions. She sometimes drive quietly in our old car with me, and at that time I know that she's thinking ways to solve our financial and family needs. I can see and I can feel it that she had problems in her mind and will not tell it to us mainly because she's shy and tired of explaining it to us.

She's my inspiration in doing hard work especially in my studies mainly to feed her expectations on us, and I feel so useless when I fail sometimes. At this time I am the biggest failure of our family, I failed their expectations of being a college scholar and earn medal for my studies. I myself know that I did my best above all but I still don't understand why I can't have it.

She always remind me who truly I am when I was still young, and always remind me to be good and obey your elders. If would have grown to be a brat, then I would be the worst brat here Lapu2 City. But because of her I grew up to be a good person, a person who can control himself and his feelings.

Tomorrow is her day, but me myself can't plainly say it to her, a simple word which says 'Happy Mother's Day' for the stupid reason that I am shy to express my love. If only messages can be sent via up above I would really go for that mail. To anyone who can read this post, please tell my mom 'HAPPY MOTHER's DAY and I really LOVE you eventhough you don't feel it sometimes'

Blasted

Whew! finally I've reached the page where I can write something in it, well in this case another post in my online diary. My brother is using the other computer which has obviously faster internet connection somewhat attracting more bytes to enter it's wires connected directly to the router. As a consequence, I'm currently suffering from slow and laggish internet speed right now. But it's okay, after writing this post I'm going to sleep already. A very deep sleep where I'll forget all the bad memories I have, my self-made sufferings due to greater expectations in many things.

This morning I woke up exactly 7:00 in the morning, very early huh!. Actually, I did it in purpose because I want to extend my time in using the computer. I'm morning schedule as what we had agreed with my siblings. In our house, We have 2 computers and 1 laptop, but due to misfortune the laptop is currently in bad status and needs repair that will cost huge amount of pesos which will make it a better choice to buy a new one. Since we don't have enough money to buy a new one and considering that we cannot trust laptops sold here in the Philippines, we need to fix it and spend money to use it, and we don't have a choice.haizt...

I intended to woke up that early just to play with my childish restaurant game called restaurant city in facebook. Facebook is a social network which proves itself to be more useful than the much popular Friendster. At first I was against it and said that people using those stuffs as their main socializing site are feelers and going with the flow with the Americans who use it more frequently. Me myself realize how good is Facebook compared to Friendster. Facebook contains application and gadgets which makes you more connected with your friends, one of these stuffs is the game called restaurant city. Friends of yours which play restaurant city can view how good your restaurant is. I had fun playing that game and realized that it is very addicting. However, now I'm quitting it already. You should know it, I'm a very big quitter! XD

Aside from waking up early just to look at my account in restaurant city, I wanted to see the drama series entitled 'One Liter of Tears'. It is the story of a girl which is chosen by a very strange uncurable disease. I began watching the movie 10:00 in the morning, but due to some disturbances, I can't finish it now. But, I swear that I will really finish it tomorrow, hope so. I have a lot of insights regarding the story which is still stored in my mind right now. Although unlike drama series and action movies commonly seen in everyday television, I already know the plot and the ending of the story and I know that it is very bad and cruel. After I finish with the story I will make a long reflection about it and post some links here in this blog, maybe tomorrow or whatT_T

Two hours ago, I had a little confrontation with my elder brother, I don't want to compute but he is about 3 years older that me. He has insights in life in which me myself don't understand it sometimes. However, I promise myself not to make a dispute with him anymore so at that time 2 hours ago, I just keep my silence and shut my mouth. Funny it is, I'm a kind of person who speaks more words including bad words when I'm happy, If you see me silent you should keep out cause that is the time where I'm angry ready to have a bite fight. I'm currently not in the mood and yes I'm suffering from self-made loses in life.

28 Days Later

"Graduation is not the End!"

I often hear most our high school mentors always saying the same old words. However, only now that I realize how difficult life is and how risk-taking it is to choose your right path in life. What's your decision now will greatly affect your future, and your life in the future is a great hit. haha;P who cares about the future anyways? when I'm already suffering right at this moment, studying like you will be bitten by a giant dog if you'll get the lowest score in your exam the next day.

It's been 28 days since I've walked in the aisle and greeted by happy faces of the people saying 'congratulations', not because I'm newly wed of course, but because I've finished a new chapter in life. Chapter it is as they say, I regard it as a very big challenge/obstacle to reach an unknown point of destination. When I was walking in front of the people then up in the stage just to get my beloved diploma, I can see how happy the parents of my classmates staring right in front of me as if I am their son. Ironic it is, but my parents themselves aren't even happy or maybe they are just hiding their inner feelings that I've graduated from a science high school just because of the stupid reason that I don't have any award, they envy my classmates or shall I say my weaker classmates who got most of the special awards.

The same old feeling I felt when I graduated in Elementary at Saint Andrew School, still in Lapu-lapu City. Well, at that time I got the fourth highest award possible to be given in a school like that. Looking at it in my perspective now, If time can only be repeated with the same determination and self confidence I have now, I could have grabbed the valedictorian medal at that school. However, I think only time machines can do that and I don't have the power to hold back time. Well, in my dreams I have that machine for only 2000 Philippine pesos, but ONLY in my dreams! My intense feeling at that Elementary graduation was to finish the whole schooling level of being a normal human, and of course I need to pass the boring stage of high school first. Many teens regard high school as the best stage of their life. However, for me I call it long and boring mainly because of the reason that I don't have the choice but to continue schooling then pass through different stages and one of it of course is high school.

Months from now, I will be entering college. My mom is currently busy brainstorming just to choose the best school I can have so that I can finish college without paying much. If only I can choose without touching my pride, I would really choose those cheap ones or in the worst case I will not go to college first. Even state colleges like UP is a very big question if I can continue, I really hope I can! T_T

haaistt^^ as if I have a choice. huhuhu.:((

Rice Cooker

This day can be one of the most unforgettable days of my summer days.XD
First of all, I broke the glass lid of our Rice Cooker mainly for the reason that I was really in the hurry and I accidentally dropped the cover of the rice cooker. The height of where I usually put it is around 1.2 meters in height, enough to break something when a glass or a plate vulnerable to breakage and highly fragile is dropped at that height. Well, for me, what happened now is really what should be happening, maybe it is the destiny of the lid of the rice cooker to be dropped and therefore ending its usage as a useful tool. haha.XD

Sad to say, my mom will be the biggest challenge I will soon face. As far as you know, my mom is a different person, although all of us usually say that our mom is different and yeah they're the best and everything, fairly speaking my mom is very different in her own ways in which me myself don't understand sometimes. Yes, all mothers scold their sons and daughters if they did something wrong. However, to all of you listening to my ubiquitous statements here regarding parents or if you yourself can relate, my mother sees all things as perfect as it can be, and she firmly believes that all mistakes are avoidable as long as you work hard on it and you did all your best to make something productive. I know that maybe at least 2%-10% of mothers have the same attitude.

We are 7 in the family, my father is sick in heart disease or something and all of my brothers and sisters are going to school, including me ofcourse. Among the 7, only 1 is earning enough money for the entire family. Uhmn. did I say enough? whew! but surely if we'll lower our standard of living even more below the normal poverty line, it will surely be enough. However, we don't usually live in that way. Me myself have pride in something and I only believe nothing but myself, some mentors, my family and god. In my own opinion and observation, mom is highly pressured about the current status of my family. She need to do hard work and earn much money and stuffs.

As expected, I'll surely be scolded why I broke such things. But sad because I don't deserve to be hated in something that already happened and cannot be returned to its original status. But, to make the long day short, I need to face it or else I'll be bringing the fear and deep feeling of something just like what you usually feel when you're about to be scolded.

Since I mentioned about rice cookers, for your information, I don't usually cook. Well, I cook because my mom forces me to do so and sometimes I need to in order to eat. Among the intelligence or talent that god has given me, I think I'm really less in cooking. Sometimes, without those msgs and stuff, I would highly prefer to eat something canned[de lata] instead of cooking for my own. Yeah, how I wish!~

&& yeah, I need to cook now... in this middle of summer only me and my older brother is around since my younger brother and sister together with my father went on a summer escapade in Barili, Cebu. not cool:| As far as you know, I can never rely on my brother, he is willing to stay in front of the computer rather than eat. hahaha.XD

URBANity

I never expected that I could ever describe how good my city is. Well, it has been part of my life and I would never imagine me growing in any other city here in the Philippines of course. If I should describe my city in only one word then "URBANITY" would be the perfect one-word adjective that can describe it. I really don't know what's the exact meaning of that word or if there is such a word like that. But, haha:P I still believe that there is a significant story in all things happening around us. We may judge deep within our minds but we can never determine how good things are unless we already knew the story behind it.

As I mentioned a while ago, I've coined the term 'urbanity' a lot of times. I usually associate it with the word humanity cause I've red an article discussing about how sudden the change of the state of minds of the people occur. Well, as far as I know it changes faster in busy and outward looking people in life, in which is more common in highly urbanized societies embracing a very fast pace of life. As for me, I see my urban society where I actually belong here as a fast changing society of young people[on the majority] due mainly because of the growing population and the bigger needs of the people.

I grew up from 1 year of age until now[16 years] mainly in the island city of Lapu-lapu city. As seen in the picture above, a lot has changed in just a short span of years. I still remember when I was a child, although little has been left from my childhood memories where others are maybe forcibly forgotten because of the bad memories I can still recall upto now, few settlements are found except near market areas where merchants erected their commercial spaces for rent or lease just for their own benifit. I even remembered coining a term 'Island Province' to my city. At that time from year 1993-1998, few people settled here in this 'Island Province/City', although in terms of land area, this city is capable of expanding itself into a bigger cosmopolitan centre of trade and tourism. Because of less population, less traffic, less noise compared to it's neigboring city of Cebu, my parents decided to live here. We emigrated and just as is:)

Shortly after the rapid expansion of Lapu-lapu City's economy, more people moved, where most of the workers worked in the expanding economic zones and tourism facilities. However, the majority still works outside the city. Almost all college students study in the nearby colleges of Cebu City. Only a few universities are found and almost all of it offers tourism and aeronautic courses. So, a bigger bridge is constructed linking the cities of Mandaue and Lapu-lapu. This has made Urbanization more rapid than before, more cars cross the two bridges bringing more people in easier conditions and stronger reasons of moving or immigrating.

The land area of the entire metropolitan area is as the same area as in neighboring prosperous cities of Singapore and Hongkong. Upon going up into tall buildings common here or going into observation decks in the nearby mountain sites still inside Cebu City. I can see an excellent view of the city. The great problem against urban spread is the mountains that hinder the authorities to develop new sites in the opposite side of the province. With a population of 2 million in the metropolitan area, a few buildings stood as tall as the highest building here, a 37? floor Crown Regency Hotel. A lack of space for housing and offices may sooner call for moving up into skyscrapers with higher reach than today, and will soon give Cebu City an impressive skyline of an industrialized commercial centre in the future.

Until now, unlike my given comparison of Hongkong, my hometown is still far from the planned theory. Upon expansion, more and more slums and poor housing is settling everywhere in the city. But, for me there's still a bigger hope and chance that someday not only my hometown's metropolitan area will prosper but the entire country and region! Jai Ho~

Till' the next URBAN talk! I'll be describing my place together with my experiences and self-made adventures and discoveries. weeee^^

HOUSE talk

This image was taken exactly in front of our house, uhmmn.. a bungalow type of house which was overused and somehow murdered by bandits who doesn't even care on anything except of their own advantages on something. However, I do believe that you cannot blame these 'humans' nor accuse them for house abuse. Oh, is there such legal case against house abusers?

My mom said a few years ago that we transfered at this house way back 1993 and that was almost 15 years ago! Something has changed, the gate was made into sandstone or something, and the biggest change was the house itself. How lonely a house is if no one is living in it and will call it a home right? This low cost housing project called 'camella homes' was put into place in a 5 square kilometer open space in the fast growing suburban dwelling of Lapu-lapu City before. Yes, we live in a low cost housing made by the Philippine government. As you know, here in the Philippines, cheaper services are given by the government itself. However, it also gives far more cheaper outputs that can be seen directly by how the houses look.

After 15 years of residing here in Lapu-lapu City, I'm happy to say that we'll be moving in the bigger city beside Lapu-lapu City and that is Cebu City. I'm happy that we'll move as soon as possible, but somehow I'll surely miss this house where I've lived for so many years. As seen in the picture... our gate has been replaced by a bamboo one, before we decided to transfer in our lot in Cebu City, that gate was made of metal something with ornate designs ugly but common in a third world society such as here in the Philippines. Our gate was very excellent before, but as time passed by, neigbors with valuable income has made their homes like small lot mansions rising with or without the architect's sign. So, because of that, our house was made as common as those people of the same faces with others in a street as compared to white skinned artistahin Filipinos[Philippine citizens] of Chinese or partly-American ancestry.

Our house is very small in my standards. Well, I regard myself as a globalized youth and I base my outlooks in life on how well the citizens of other nations live. But, whether I like it or not Philippines itself is a poor country with a bad quality of life experienced by many. Even the higher class ones can't escape. If I am on their side, even if how well do I experience the luxuries in life, I would somehow be frustrated and highly discouraged to stay here in the Philippines if others cannot even eat three times a day, nor have enough money to make a better house with stronger foundation.

For now, I'm already entering college, and my mom was planning to have a house in a subdivision in Banawa Hills, Cebu City. They're not leaving our house here in Lapu-lapu City for the next two years, mainly because my brothers and sisters reside and study here in this city. But, before we finally transfer in our new home in Banawa, as a tradition maybe, we need to clean the small tenement there!huhuhuT_T so, wish me luck!