WHAT IF

Hi Blog(as if I'm talking to someone) o.0... I was thinking a lot about what ifs, what if I'm born with a gold spoon? what if I'm born with extraordinary luck? what if I'm born to Hollywood Star parents? what if my dad is as rich as Bill Gates and as good as the top Philanthropist of America? Well, I know I'm lucky enough today if that what if is in the opposite(you know what I mean), but enough of the Africa thing and I think I'm very unlucky enough in current standing that I could no longer think of anything more worse I can handle as of the moment.

When I was young and of course materialistically driven by wants(e.g toys, etc.), my parents always told me that I/we should be contented in what we have. Plus Besides we can do nothing about it for the mean time, just forget that insecurity actually exist(just for the mean time).

Now, my what ifs no longer linger upon materialistic wants but towards freeing myself on things and situations that serves as encumbrance on my peace of mind. Despite being relatively free of academic stress compared before, my mind has never been this overused and I'm filled with anxiety all over the place.

All the time I'm wishing that at one long night I can dream that I'll be in a place where all my worries are gone and I will be in a paradise heaven-like at least. Well, I wont say that I'm ready to die but actually the truth is we have no control of our life and I'm confident that if the judgment day comes I'll be with Jesus my king. I believe that one day my time will come that I'll be very much happy but at this time it seems distant as much as the nearest galaxy to earth.

Real happiness differs towards how we perceive it. One may be happy with their loved ones, the money they worked hard for, or the acceptance they've been longing for. I can imagine myself being rich, or being with all my friends, or being a Hollywood superstar admired by many. I can assert that I can never be happy. Perhaps being in control of everything like a CEO of a billion dollar company, you can be as what you want to be but the responsibility and reputation on stake is mind-bogging. Or rather being a Hollywood superstar owning everything from luxury cars to palace-like homes in Beverly can be ideal, yet no one knows why Britney chose the path she has now.

Or last being with friends... next to God and family, friends or colleagues as I call them are my most important refuge. But the sad thing about it is that though I have many real friends I do not usually share everything to them. We share moments of laughter but when the challenge is there I chose to have it solo. I have a lot of experience regarding problems but other than lame advices I think it'll be better if I have those alone.x.x

anyways, no worry, being a strong Christian... God is with me and I'm never afraid of anything other than being in hell. ;0

the BILL of tension

Hi Blogger, I'm back. All the weeks we're a bit bumpy and the good thing about it is it's done and I don't have to go with it again. I have an seem-to-be-unsolvable problem which I will give in full detail on my next post.

Another intriguing news lately is that our President is threatened for excommunication just to have his noble support on anti-RH Bill. For your information, Reproductive Health Bill or whatever it is called in the long form is the bill(and obviously may become law in the future) that may allow the government to legally or in any sort of way to release any contraceptive without any constraint. For this case, Abortion is still illegal even if the RH goes on its way. The thing that complicates everything is the stand of the church. Roman Catholic church which dominates Philippines than any other religion greatly condemn any action taken by the government in support of the bill.

On my view, which obviously matters on this blog for this is mine, I do not support nor support the Bill. I leave it for status quo and actually it doesn't concern me. Ask you, do you like to raise children in great numbers these hard days? even a child is already difficult. But, what distracted me most is the action of the church. They persuaded the president by the use of excommunication, a frugal thing for a threat and unthinkable desperation. I am a very religious person, but I am not Catholic by practice(I'm Protestant). I'm straight to God! to him and nothing more. The traditional ways and great interference put by the roman catholic church like laws above people is useless. It is clear from the bible and teachings of Jesus that salvation is from Him(Jesus Christ) and self-voluntary openness and acceptance of Jesus as the savior and not by any other means of such indulgence-like interference of church.

I don't like the European golden years of the Vatican, the indulgences, persecution, etc. plus added to these during the modern times, I feel like I wanna support the bill for protest.
x.x

a slight glimpse of light

I've seen a bit of light regarding my situation for the past week-days-month and until now, however the light and the chance of leading it to complete recovery is still fragile. I think it's just merely and largely a slight bounce of my deep downfall or worse it may just halted a bit and will probably continue on it's course(I really really hope not). er, whatever I really don't know and as of this moment I don't want to think of anything that is about the future. As what I've learned in the book the "Harry Potter" and as I remember one of the last lines in book 4, "whatever happens, good or the worst, it'll happen and when it does we have no choice but to face it."

I know tomorrow is a dreadful thing to consider but I think God is only shaking me up for me to realize that I should not be overdependent on the temporary strings that attach me rigid to my comfort zones. Though He's not completely removing it for my sake, I still need it as for now, probably and maybe He's just letting me realize what it feels like and how the hell will it surprise me overwhelmingly. Tomorrow is tomorrow and maybe the good thing about my situation right now is that hopefully in the future I wont be so shocked or something(I really hope I won't).

Uncommon it is, sadly I'm not going on with my reforms anytime sooner. I think I just have to observe people, things, and happenings as of now. I think I've learned a bit of all the lessons it should have taught me. As of now, I wont be back to my normal self and regarding how and until when will I be like this, I really don't know. I'm still in the state of depression or economically saying I'm in deep recession right now. I'm thinking the economy of United States can recover first before I would. haha. JK.

I was really startled last night. I was in deep thinking(depression) and I ignored a lot of chat messages from my friends until an ex-classmate poped-out suddenly. Of course I was startled and I didn't expect I'd read Dodette Marei. Well, we chatted and maybe or probably God has planned it to stop my deep dilemma last night. haha. Does it make sense? lol.

Anyways, praise the LORD, He's always good! I swear!:D

I'm Crazy

Hi Blogger, what's happening to me? I'm feeling really bad and I think the last time I've felt like this was a couple of months ago but that was short-lived. I'm on complete vacation(4-day no class) and it seems that nothings helping me. I really like to have refuge, a holy place like a monastery or something serene which I can stay, relax, pray, and forget all my problems. I really wanna talk to Him, the thing is maybe I just can't realize His plans for me as of now. I get some help with others but those we're slight and nothings really helping, I don't want to share so much with my dilemmas.

Ok, I'm going to sleep. gud nyt.
Pray,Pray,Pray:D

despair, pls get away from me!

Hi Blogger, I noticed something on this blog recently. All my posts are bad and for good news I have new and a more worse one. Today(thursday), tomorrow, and the weekend is our long vacation for the first time since summer. Rarely it happens that a holiday in two consecutive days is granted for lazy rest-thirsty students like me or us maybe. However, that is not the issue... I arrived home hours ago with something heavily bothering my mind. For some standards by the time when I feel carefree, I think I'm not myself. At some time I was thinking of going to sleep to avoid depression and worse I was thinking of some suicidal thoughts, but hell no! I am a very strong Christian and I strongly believe that for even escaping the mortal life how the hell will I face our creator by the time I would know I did something unacceptable. Jesus Christ died for us, does it make sense if we end our saved soul just for earthly problems? Anyways before I go with religion I have a very good news I wanna tell you. At least for me, the world is changing and god has never been this close to me.*I'll make a separate post regarding my proud worship life.

What has been bothering me the few days has never been new, rude reality and vast uncertainties that await me... I feel like I don't want tomorrow to come fast. Being a firm believer I do believe that my faith has been tested and I strongly agree though I put my faith separate and I'm aware how it strengthened the past times. I've read a lot and talked to invisible people in the internet regarding my situation and they say I'm a kind of a deep thinker and my overreaction to current events is a result of over thinking and over seeing possible future outcomes. The same suggestions, don't think too much and relax for God has already made it easy for you. The problem is it's just so hard for me to, and I've been trying to relax my mind a bit to a point of falling asleep thinking and having nightmares. I really need help. But anyways it's ok... my faith is still very strong.

Anyways for real good news, I had a very good time with my pals in the dorm lately. I never felt this way before. All things are going well and for the first time I had super real good friends. However, I'm practicing to be without them sometimes. I know that they're not there always and as for experience time comes they wont be there even if I really need them.:)

I'm really unlucky, I lost my web on mobile and as a result I can no longer post via mobile.x(

Hi blogger, I have a good weekend for three reasons..
>first, there's no class on Monday and for some miracle which very seldom happens our *coordinator allowed us to go home! (*she's the most unpredictable nun I've ever met, and if I generalize it... I hate nuns.x haha)
>second, I see my *family especially dad. *Ate Janine's not around as usual.
>third, God didn't give me challenges yet.

The week's not good. Philippines was put in shame after a stupid hostage drama(all hostages are actually foreigners!) in Manila by a lame ex-officer, he's nuts! and by God's plan Philippines almost got the title of a pageant thing but failed. Disappointment is so common these days, and I'm not even expecting anything good to happen it just turn out to be "how bad" and "really!? I wasn't expecting that!" and "something new?".
=.=

TORn

earlier this morning (a few minutes ago), i received the worst mail one could receive via magical owl. I was completely half-struck w/o knowing what would happen next. I feel it... destiny is playing jokes with me again.

Why does it have to be like that? why does it have to be me again?! The thing i feared the most the past months, why do god allow it to happen AGAIn? Should i pray more or not.

I think i need to calm myself. *.*